I Wasn't Going To Be That Mom

I wasn’t going to be “that Mom”.  The Mom who loses touch with her childless friends after having a baby.  But guess what, I have.  Not all, but many.  Quite frankly, some of you needed to go and it simply took having my daughter to make that an easy decision.  But many didn’t need to go.  You just did.  It got harder and harder to do late nights out, or meet up for a “quick” catch up.  Motherhood doesn’t allow for “quick”.  Getting a baby anywhere isn’t a quick task.  Yes, they require a lot of crap!  Sometimes we Mothers can overdo it, we know.  But when we don’t have all the snacks, toys, wipes, and other nonsense that we occasionally need to soothe a fussy baby or entertain a squirmy toddler, things can get a little crazy.  So we plan for disaster….we’re Moms, that’s what we do. 

I have now become blessedly attached to my other Mommy friends (or those expecting to be).  Moms with kids my daughter’s age, even those with kids much older than mine that are out of diapers, daycare, even in high school.  Because they get it.  They get what it takes to take a toddler to a restaurant for girl’s night not long before bedtime, or lunch after just a short nap in the car.  They are happy to help me entertain her while we catch up.  They don’t hold it against me if her throwing something distracts me momentarily.  As a whole, Moms are there for one another to entertain, offer a helping hand (although, we all know Moms sprout extra arms almost immediately), hold a crier, talk to a screamer, or just help avoid a full-on public meltdown.  It’s these girls…these Moms, I am so grateful for.  Some of you non-Moms are awesome with our little ones and we love you.  To the rest, it’s nothing personal.  You just don’t get it and we don’t need to spend our little free time stressing over you and your potential annoyance. 

I wasn’t going to be “that Mom”.  The Mom whose house looks more like a war zone than a home.  But so help me, the day my daughter learned how to move without my help, the game was over.  My house regularly looks like a bomb went off.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s clean, as in the counters and floors are scrubbed, but good luck seeing any surface under the shrapnel.   My toddler has not only discovered how fun it is to pull out every toy she owns, but how amazing it is to pull everything (and I mean everything) out of the cupboards and drawers in every room of the house.  My kitchen will have pots, pans, bowls, and Tupperware strewn about, while the bathrooms have cotton balls and Qtips all over.  And this happens all day, including in the morning while I scramble about to get both her and myself ready for work!  Put child locks on you say?  Sure.  So sue me if I want to keep one scrap of normalcy in my house.  For now, we have locks on the worst of the cupboards and drawers….the rest are fair game.  And yes, we do the same cleanup song and dance multiple times a day.  It only lasts a few years right?  Someday I’ll long for the mess. 

I wasn’t going to be “that Mom”.  The Mom who wants to stay home with her child instead of work.  But the minute that little girl joined my world I’d have given my left arm to stay home with her.  My husband and I both work and I never thought I’d say it, but I’m envious of the Moms that get to spend all day with their children.  I understand it’s not easy and I convince myself I’d need a hobby or part time job.  But nothing angers me more than hearing a SAHM complain about being home with her kids.  Those of us with no choice don’t want to hear about it.  Sure we get out and about and get to have adult conversations, but I would give anything to spend more time with my girl.  You complaints are wasted on me. 

I wasn’t going to be “that Mom”.  The Mom who gives her child anything she wants to quiet a tantrum.  Within reason of course!  But good Lord, even for an incredibly happy toddler like mine, there’s a limit to a good day.  After a long day of everything I have on my plate, if you want a graham cracker instead of the chicken, by all means, have the damn graham cracker! Goldfish?  Here you go!  Just let Mommy sit for 30 seconds.  Here, have another graham.

I wasn’t going to be “that Mom”.  The Mom who posts nothing but pictures of her child on social media.  I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but my daughter is my life now.  I don’t have all that much else to post about!  My nights and weekends are precious hours spent with my family and we don’t always get out for big, interesting adventures.  And when we do, they are family adventures!  So that’s what I post about.  I realize, my non-Mom Facebook friends may be sick to death of pictures of my daughter, but I’m sure many Moms can agree that when you capture that perfect face or precious moment, you can be damn sure we’re going to share it! 

I did promise myself when I had my daughter that I would never ever post pictures of her with food all over her face.  Because no matter how cute it may seem at the time, it completely grossed me out to see on Facebook (and still does).  So I will continue to grant my “friends” that grace and avoid such postings.  But the rest, you’ll just have to get over. 

Like many of you, I have “friends” on Facebook that I have not seen or heard from in years, so who cares, right?  My family loves to see pictures of my little one!  I love to see theirs!!  I enjoy the hell out of seeing other Moms celebrate milestones and precious moments.  So although you may be tired of videos of my daughter ramrodding around on her Minnie Mouse ride-along, I’ve seen my fair share of your bar hopping.  If I over-post my cute kid pictures, I’m sorry. Un-friend me if you must.

There were a lot a things I was going to do differently, better.  I may have become many things I didn’t think I would, but one thing is for certain….Motherhood has made me stronger, bolder, and better than I could have ever imagined.  And being THAT Mom feels pretty damn good.

Mommy Meltdown

I had a moment in Walgreens today...  I was stopping in to pick up a few prescriptions and I walked by the baby isle - like I have a gazillion other times before! But today was different. Today, when I walked by that isle and glanced in, I paused and quickly realized, there is nothing in that isle that I need to stop for. My baby girl doesn't need a new fun colorful bink, or formula, or a new bottle, or rattle. And for the life of me, I stood there like a fool and cried. I couldn't help myself! She is only 15 months and has a life time of growing ahead (not to mention some crazy toddler days to come), but her baby days are gone.

She is growing so much and learning something new every day and it's magical to watch and experience. But it made me realize how quickly she is growing and becoming a tiny, independent, person. The baby in her is fading.

Last night I asked her if she wanted to go brush her teeth and go to bed. So she looked up at me from her toys in the living room and made a mad dash to the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs. I lifted her over the gate and after methodically climbing the stairs, she stood up and went straight to the bathroom and reached up for her toothbrush. It's moments like this that make me so unbelievably proud. But in the back of my mind are those glimmering memories when she would let me hold her for hours at a time. Now she only wants to be held for a few minutes or to get a better look at something...then she's off to the races.

I know I'm not the only mother in the world to experience this phenomenon. I was told a hundred times by countless parents how fast the time goes. And MAN were they right! Yet, you never really get it until you experience it. It's incredible and all you can do moving forward is warn other first time parents of the exact same phenomenon and that they too will look at their child one day and think, "what the hell just happened?!".

Time is a miraculous thing. And until Doc and Marty show up at my door with the delorean, all I can do it march forward. March forward, and cherish every single moment I have with this sweet angel that chose to grace me as her mother. She is my world and I look forward to every milestone, every accomplishment, and every lesson she has yet to learn. It's been an incredible journey so far and there's only greatness to come......and maybe a few more Walgreens meltdowns.

From the Start...

Here we are, about to enter another year. 2015! And I just celebrated by 29^th birthday. I know right, the big 2-9! Last year of my twenties…and it’s going to be magical.

My baby girl just turned 15 months and I cannot believe it! She’s of course, as all parents guiltily think, is PERFECT!  This has been the most incredible, liberating, confusing, scary, joyous, terrifying, blessed year of my life.  And yet, I find that I want to do it better.  Life.  Sometimes, I feel lost from myself. Or question that I am not doing things as well as I could be – motherhood, marriage, the works.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you this in sadness. I'm an incredibly happy person. I am beyond blessed. But for any of my rants to make sense to you.....we must start at the beginning.....you need to know who I am.

I'm a small town kid.  I grew up in a small town ...a smaaaaaalll town.  About 1100 people to be exact.  That's small.  That's, there's a "Main Street" lined with quaint little businesses, two gas stations, and two bars and town radius of 3 miles.....and it's amazing.  The kind of place people love and love living there.  My family is from there.  My mom grew up on a farm about 20 miles from there. A farm kid!  How cool is that?  She's the one that has taught me about farm life - about farming, about cows (LOVE cows! Totally obsessed) and bugs, and dirt roads.... and DIRT!  She taught me about the sky - the moon, the stars, sunrises, and clouds.  She is, quite literally, the one that taught me about the beauty of this planet. And how to find it anywhere...in anything! In life!  She taught me how to be a mother. She is my best friend. 

Mom was not alone on this farm.  She had 3 sisters, her mom and dad.  Which led to my uncles, cousins, and siblings...my family.  And I'm talking get-together-every-holiday-reunions-birthdays-superbowls-and-talk-everyday-kinda-family......and you know what, it's special.  It's the kind of special most people wish for and never get in a lifetime. Needless to say...I'm very loved. As are my husband and daughter. 

I don't live in that little wonderful town.  But I grew up there.  My parents split when I was around 5 and after tiring of the city my mom moved us back home where she knew we'd ride our bikes to the pool every day, she'd walk across the street to work (a job she loved), and we would have her whole family right there to help raise us. My brother and I had the best of both worlds – small town with mom, and city life with dad. 

I loved living in my small town. I still love it there! It'll always be home for me. I grew up riding my bike all over town, going to the County Fair, playing on my friends’ farms, swimming every single day over the summer, camping and playing at the lake. It was awesome. Because of my small town bliss, I did everything I possibly could in high school. I wasn't great at anything, but I just loved doing it all ......cheerleading, basketball, volleyball, track, competitive speech, fall musicals, spring plays.  I was in Youth Group, and went to Sunday School, I volunteered each summer at Vacation Bible School for the little kids.  I was a lifeguard. I was just happy and loved life.  So as you can see, I had a pretty normal, over active childhood in a small town....it was great.

After graduating I moved about three hours away for college.  My Dad was then just an hour away and my brother was up the street - I followed him out here. When I lived in the dorms, we did Sundays and Monday night together…without exception. We did laundry on Sunday and watched football. On Monday night, he made dinner and we watched football. Those are some of my most wonderful memories. And although we’re both grown with families of our own…we’re still best buds. 

It was in college that I met my husband.  We met my freshman year working at a retail store.  I had a crush on him immediately.  He finally noticed me and asked me to play tennis one afternoon (I'm sure at my prompting and hinting) and we've been together ever since. Please make note here that I in no way whatsoever had any idea what I was doing when it came to tennis. I had never played, or ever been interested. But I knew he enjoyed it, so I winged it!

Our relationship is magical.  It's the kind of stuff movies are made of.  Gag, I know.  But it's also hilarious, and immature.  It's totally easy, but we work to keep it that way...and it can be hard at times, but so worth it.  He is my best friend and love of my life.  We dated for a few years while I lived with roommates - the three of which are still my best friends in the world.  We grew up together - college, weddings, houses, babies. You name it!

So to catch you up quickly....got engaged, graduated, got jobs, moved into a house just the two of us, graduated Grad school, got another job, got a second dog, bought a house, got another job, had a baby. And there my friends, is where this is all starting.  My life as a mother...

My life is so good! But it’s also crazy, annoying, hilarious, and just down right nuts sometimes. So maybe some of the lessons I learn along the way I can pass along to other mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, and friends. Because if we can’t laugh and learn from a random internet blogger….who can we??